Being entrusted with a secret can be both a delight and a burden. You should be honored that someone trusts you enough to tell you a secret, but be aware that if you betray that trust, you could damage your relationship with the person who told you. You may also be keeping your own secret, which can be just as difficult as keeping someone else’s secret. Cultivating the willpower to remain quiet will ensure that the secret is kept and will maintain your reputation as a trustworthy person.
Keeping Someone Else’s Secret
Know the seriousness of the secret before you hear it. If someone tells you ahead of time that they are going to tell you a secret, ask for more information first.
Find out if it is a “little” secret or a “big” secret. This will tell you how important it is that you keep the secret. It will also tell you if you need to give the person your undivided attention while they disclose their secret (looking at your phone while having a serious talk is poor etiquette).
Prepare yourself to listen to the secret, knowing if it is something that you can handle.
If the secret in question could have legal consequences if you reveal it, you’ll need to be even more careful to maintain confidentiality.
Ask how long you must keep the secret. It might be easier to keep a secret if you know you only have to keep it for a certain length of time. If you are expected to keep the secret forever, that is good to know up front as well.
Find out if you are allowed to tell anyone else. When you are told the secret, ask if it is okay to tell anyone else, like your sibling or a partner/spouse.
Asking if it is okay to tell can help you avoid an uncomfortable situation in which the person is upset with you.
If you know you will tell someone, like a spouse, be up front with that information and warn the person that you are going to tell someone else. You may want to warn them about this before they tell you the secret.
Stop the person from telling you. If you know that you are really bad about keeping secrets, tell the person not to tell you the secret.
The person will appreciate your honesty and still has the option of telling you, knowing that you may tell someone else.
Suggest that the person tell you the secret right before they tell other people, so you do not have to keep the secret very long.
Some studies have shown that keeping a secret puts undue stress on a person. If you wish to avoid added stress, just say no to secrets.
Keeping Your Own Secret
Decide how long you want to keep the secret. Depending on the type of secret, it may have a built-in end point.
Something like a pregnancy or a surprise gift will have a natural end date.
Other secrets might not have a natural ending point, and you will just have to decide when you will be ready to tell people.
Try waiting a few days if you feel very emotional about the secret. You may regret telling someone immediately, and giving yourself a few days to calm down may help you make more rational decisions about when to tell people and who to tell.
Make a plan for telling someone. If you know that you will be able to tell someone in the future, making a detailed plan about how and when to tell may help you keep the secret in the meantime.
If it is a “fun” secret that you’re going to surprise someone with, planning a fun way to tell will help occupy the time before you tell her.
If it is a serious secret, make a plan to give yourself and the person you’re going to tell uninterrupted time alone to talk and discuss the secret.
Push the secret out of your mind. Stay busy with other things, and try not to think about the secret too much. If you think about it constantly, it will be much more difficult to keep yourself from telling someone.
Think about the benefits of telling your secret. If you are keeping a secret that is upsetting you, you may be standing in your own way. Telling someone may give them the opportunity to help you in a way that you may not expect.
Entrust your secret to one person. If you absolutely must tell someone, be sure you choose the right person.
Think about your past experiences with that person. Have they been trustworthy and discreet in the past?
Be explicit about your expectations when you tell the person your secret: are they allowed to tell anyone? Who and when can they tell?
Know that telling anyone opens up the possibility that the secret will get out.
