In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to know how to set boundaries. And this includes both your personal ones as well as a couple.
All healthy relationships have one thing in common—boundaries. But what are boundaries? Well, they differ for every couple, but there are some basic commonalities for how to set boundaries in a relationship.
Boundaries can be set so that fights don’t go too far. They can also be in place so you or your partner doesn’t overstep and include themselves in something you want to handle alone.
So, depending on your relationship, the boundaries you set will vary, but they should always benefit your relationship as a whole, not just one person.
What are relationship boundaries?
In a nutshell, a boundary defines ownership and responsibility. When you are in a romantic relationship, the “things” that are yours are not usually tangible.
The boundary line helps you define where you and your partner start and stop.
It is about creating limits between the two of you. Ideally, these limits will benefit both of you and help you understand your partner and vice versa.
In other words, boundaries define what is your responsibility in the relationship and what is your partner’s. It shows who you are as an individual and who your partner is as an individual, without turning into one new identity as a “couple.”
The boundaries can vary a lot – from your body, words, actions, attitudes, values, preferences, and emotions.
For example, if you don’t want to be touched in a certain place because it doesn’t feel good, then you can say no. Or, if you become rude to your partner, you need to take responsibility for that and apologize to them – and don’t do it again.
One of the biggest reasons for creating boundaries in a relationship is to eliminate blame and frustrations. When you have healthy boundaries, you reduce the chances of blaming your partner and them blaming you for something.
People usually blame others when they want to deflect responsibility onto someone else
When you take responsibility for your part in the conflict, misunderstanding, or whatever other problem you have, then your partner should be willing to take responsibility for their part too.
If both people do this, then you can resolve your issues a lot easier.
This is the beginning of forming strong emotional bonds with your partner. Without them, problems can easily arise.
Why are healthy boundaries important?
You may think a healthy relationship should have no boundaries.
You may assume that everything should be on the table and shared equally because you are both now equal partners. But boundaries and rules are not the same things.
Boundaries are there to help you and your partner work through struggles and come out stronger rather than weaker. They are not there to limit your relationship or limit each other.
In other words, boundaries are guiding points for a successful relationship. Without them, staying together can be much more difficult because no one takes responsibility for anything.
Far too many couples end up with problems because they assume that the other partner should automatically know what they want and need and what they don’t want or need.
The thing is, you’re not a mind reader. Neither is your partner.
By not communicating clearly, you set yourself up for a major drama in the future. Surely, it’s easier to just sit down and talk about these things pretty early on?
Boundaries allow you to retain your independence and remain your own person. They allow you to feel safe and comfortable within a relationship and grow together as a couple, without facing problems that make you anxious.
There are countless different boundaries you could set. But ensure that whatever you do talk about sits on the healthy side of the line and isn’t erring into unhealthy territory.
Boundaries are lines, not rules
By setting boundaries within your relationship, you’re not setting up a rule sheet to print out and give to your partner for future reference. It’s a set of lines that you feel comfortable with.
This comes from communicating openly and honestly about what you need from the relationship and what you don’t feel comfortable with
For instance, you may have a hard line that you never want to get married. You might have your own reasons for this, but it’s something you are sure of. It is a boundary for you.
It would be unhealthy if you simply pushed this onto your partner and said, “take it or leave it.”
On the other hand, it would be healthy if you sat down and discussed it with your partner, explaining your reasons and exploring other options that you were both happy with or open to in the future.
Boundaries are designed to help you feel comfortable
Of course, there are some boundaries that should never be crossed and should be communicated clearly.
Anything related to your sex life, anything that you’re simply not comfortable with, or never want to try should be communicated and respected.
The same goes for anything your partner communicates to you.
It’s all about talking and exploring your relationship together, within the boundaries of what is healthy and what isn’t. Boundaries are there to help people feel comfortable. When you feel that way, you’re able to thrive and grow within a relationship.
Healthy relationship boundaries ensure that your relationship never starts to move into territory that you feel uncomfortable with, restricted within, or unhappy about.
Of course, this is two-sided and ensures that your partner feels the same way.
Set personal boundaries within yourself first
Before we discuss the kinds of boundaries that you should have with your partner, you should have a good, long talk with yourself about what you will and won’t accept in a partner.
Once you are clear with yourself, then you won’t waste your time with people who don’t respect your personal boundaries. So this is an important first step.
Personal boundaries are like commandments you need to stick by to be true to yourself. Some boundaries are followed more strictly than others, however, they still apply.
Basic boundaries to set for yourself
As we have stated before, everyone’s boundaries will differ because they are personal to you. However, there are still basic boundaries that are commonly set among people seeking healthy relationships.
There are some basic boundaries to ensure you end up with someone who treats you right. Here are some core personal boundaries to apply to your new relationship:
1. They are single and don’t have a partner or are married
Unless they have broken up with their partner or are in the process of divorce, there is simply no need for you to be with this person. If they tell you they’re going to leave their partner for you, believe it when you see it.
In the meantime, don’t waste your time. You’re a filler for them. Something to help ease their mind on whatever problems are going on at home. Don’t be an emotional airbag for them. They can pay for a therapist or go on Dr. Phil.
2. No means no
It doesn’t matter if they’re a woman or man, has three legs, one leg, listens to Justin Bieber, or have a pet turtle. When you say “no,” they should respect it.
If someone doesn’t understand the meaning of “no” or simply ignores you when you say it, they don’t respect you.
They just actually don’t care. Yeah, dating the bad boy or the cool girl is exciting, but in the long run, it’s not worth it. Haven’t you seen any chick flicks? They always end up alone.
3. Someone who can’t apologize
You may think this isn’t a big deal, but if you’re dating someone who doesn’t want or doesn’t know how to say sorry—run. This is one of the big ones in the boundaries of dating.
Acknowledgment of your own actions and taking responsibility for your mistakes are essential. What happens if you get into a fight where they screwed up and they don’t want to apologize?
It’s going to be a draining and endless relationship of you taking the blame for everything.
If you’re with someone who never apologizes, then eventually you might just go silent since every argument would point back to you—emotionally and mentally. And it sucks the life out of you.
4. Manchild or womanchild
We all have some mommy/daddy issues bottled up in us. Maybe your dad didn’t catch you when you fell from your bike in second grade or your mom always yelled at you. We all have something.
The point is, don’t become someone’s parent. If they have issues, they need to fix them. Sure, you can support them, but their baggage is their baggage.
There’s being in an equal relationship and then there’s having someone rely on you for all their needs. No way, not happening.
5. Someone who is unkind to others
If you’re wanting to know what type of person your partner is, look at how they interact with their parents. Are they unexplainably rude and verbally/emotionally abusive to their mom and dad?
Yeah, they won’t treat you any better. Because if they talk to their parents with unkind and cruel words, the ones who gave them life, what makes you think you’re something special?
Nah, we ain’t down for that.
6. Don’t chase anyone
Listen, the ego is a sensitive thing. But remember, they’re just not that into you. If you’re casually dating someone and you see they aren’t really reciprocating, don’t force it. End it.
Maybe they’ll see that they missed out on a great person, but maybe they won’t.
If you’re showing interest, and they’re making you run around like a dog for them, then you’re being made into a fool. Don’t become a Mr. T catchphrase.
7. Liars
PANTS ON FIRE… Perhaps your pants are actually on fire from the Chlamydia they gave you after they lied about cheating on you. See how that works?
Yeah, not fun, it burns both figuratively and literally. You don’t need someone who’s going to lie to you.
You don’t have time to decipher the messages and creep their phone for hints and clues of what’s really going on. This is not a sad treasure hunt, it’s a relationship.
8. Name-calling
What are we? Twelve? If your partner calls you names or makes degrading comments, they can go back to the playground. Come on, you don’t need that.
Since you’re dating, perhaps you need to tell them that certain names or things they say to hurt you are inappropriate. Now, if they ignore that, then they need to
9. Pushing sexual desires on you
Listen, if you don’t want to have a threesome with your partner and the girl working at the bar across the street, then don’t. If you don’t want to try anal beads, then don’t.
Some people are more sexually experienced or adventurous than others, and that’s okay. But make sure you talk about it and set the limit for what you will and will not do in bed.
That way, they’re not entering the bedroom with a foot-long dildo, catching you by surprise when all you wanted was to watch Fifty Shades of Grey, not live it.
10. Trust
Trust is a huge boundary must. You should not be in a relationship where you feel like you can’t trust the other person. Plus, trust needs to be earned, so keep your eye open for any shady behavior.
If you do start to get suspicious of their behavior, follow your gut intuition – it’s almost never wrong. And don’t just stay with them so long that they prove to you that they are untrustworthy.
This also shows you they’re not as into you as you think they are if they are willing to betray you in any way. Don’t be a convenience for them.
11. Respect at all times
Just like Aretha Franklin sang, R-E-S-P-E-C-T is vital in any relationship. If there is no respect or any times when respect is lacking, you need to seriously think about the future of your union.
A solid and healthy boundary is to demand respect at all times. Of course, that also means that you should respect your partner too.
12. Support and encouragement
Your partner should be someone who has your back, supports you, and encourages you to be the best you can be.
Any behavior which goes against this, i.e. they don’t want you to do something because they’ll be alone for a few nights while you’re working, or they’re scared you’re going to meet new people and move away, needs to be addressed.
