Do actions truly speak louder than words? Of course, actions are crucial, and words without action are often empty promises. Nonetheless, communication with your partners is equally vital to preserving strong, long-lasting bonds.
The ability to handle disagreements in a relationship is a key prerequisite to long-term success, and that skill is reliant on clear and effective communication. Would you wish you had said something differently looking back at your exchanges with your partner or arguments?
Being mindful of the language you use with your partner can help you communicate well, and you’ll be pleasantly (and astonished) to see the positive effects it has on your bond. We advise beginning by expunging these six terms and expressions from your language.
1. “You always” or “You never”
It’s basic psychology: You can’t get where you want to go by telling someone they “always” or “never” do something. Using extreme words like these is likely to cause a defensive reaction from your partner and will take the focus away from the issue at hand.
Replace it with “I adore it when you…” Instead of telling your partner that they never invite you out with their friends, pick a time when they did and tell them how much you enjoyed it. Everyone wants to be praised, and a person will do more of the things that make you happy rather than less of the things that don’t. If you truly believe they never do these things, try framing it as “I would appreciate it if you… ”
For many of us, “always” is a common reflex when it feels like our partner is continuously doing something that hurts our feelings. Point out to them how their actions made you feel the next time you find yourself in a similar circumstance. For instance, use the phrase “It hurts my feelings when you interrupt me” rather than “You always interrupt me.”
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way
Telling your partner “I’m sorry you feel that way” is like a half-hearted apology. If you’re going to apologize, make sure it’s for the reason they are upset, not just for being angry. Don’t get me wrong; you should always make an effort to comprehend your partner’s perspective and feelings, but the apology should primarily focus on accepting responsibility for your actions.
Replace it with “I’m sorry that I … ” This simple apology takes ownership for what it is you are actually arguing about rather than making how your partner feels the subject of discussion.
There are so many things that come into play when forming a genuine apology, but the #1 thing to keep in mind here is to take the ego out of it. Be mindful of your tone, and make sure you’re focusing on the deeper issue rather than just apologizing to end the argument. Make a plan for how you’re going to behave differently going forward, and then make sure to follow through on it!
3. “I don’t care”
To be honest, you do give a damn. And perhaps you shouldn’t be in this relationship if you don’t. It’s crucial to be able to express your thoughts and feelings to your partner. Relationship openness is a skill that can be developed over time; the healthier the relationship, the more emotionally open you are with your partner. Talk about how you are feeling instead of ignoring things that will probably come up again later.
4. “Relax” or “Calm down”
When you’re upset about something, would you want to be told to calm down? Nope, didn’t believe that. Telling someone to calm down because you don’t know where their emotions are coming from can become second nature because this is one of those phrases that has become so embedded in our vocabularies. Don’t assume that your partner is overreacting just because they are upset. Try to remain rational and calm yourself before telling them to calm down. This will make it much easier for you to help them explain what is upsetting them.
“I want to understand where you’re coming from” should be used in its place. Could you tell me the reason behind your feelings? There are moments when it truly is that easy. Once more, the best course of action in this situation is to remain composed and express to your partner that you are open to hearing what they have to say and that you want to understand how they are feeling.
5. Name-Calling
In relationships, there is never a circumstance where calling someone names is appropriate. Take a moment to collect yourself before continuing the conversation if you are becoming too angry or if you are tempted to say something hurtful or counterproductive. Using derogatory language toward your partner will only make matters worse and will probably reduce the amount of constructive communication you do have. In addition to other harmful behaviors, name-calling frequently results in a loss of trust and respect in relationships, which can have long-term negative effects.
6. “You can’t do this/that”
How can you guarantee someone will do something? Tell them they can’t do it. Trying to control your partner is a lose-lose situation because the only person you can control in a relationship is yourself. If there is something your partner is doing that you do not want them to do, you need to first think about why that thing bothers you. Rather than attempting to manipulate the circumstance, concentrate on expressing how it makes you feel.
Nevertheless, boundaries are necessary in any healthy relationship, so it’s critical that you establish them with your partner if they are acting in a way that bothers you. Consistently crossing a defined boundary can be detrimental to both you and the relationship. At this point, a relationship becomes unhealthy, and trying to control the other person or people is not as wise as walking away.
